BALI, Summer 2014.

DEAR POTATO HEAD, have you looked down below lately at your competition?

Did you hypnotize an entire town of Seminyak to sing your praises? Did you ply the city’s coolest cats with Asian-themed cocktails for them to pledge their allegiance to you? Have you apologized to KDT for being the hotter girl with straighter teeth and bigger boobs? Is there magic in your mushrooms?

When you designed your lovely cocktail menus, the ones where the illustrations are a perfect reflection of the end product, was it because you had a look at other cocktail menus, where they enjoy spinning adjectives and nouns into a crazy vortex, and decided to do the opposite? And when you hired service staff, did you make them strip down for an aesthetics test? Did you send them all to Top Swiss Hospitality Schools? And are your Indonesian chefs in fact child culinary-prodigies?

When you designed the bar, did you get a focus group together, consisting of the descendants of George Best, Hunter S. Thompson, and Winston Churchill, to make sure the patron to bar-man height ratio was at a perfect chair-to-table, whisky-to-elbow-to-mouth levels? And when you signed off on the layout of the infinity pool, the day-bed, the jacuzzi and the pool bar, was it also with the brief “Be the opposite of a bacteria cess-pool; be the opposite of KDT” in mind?

Are you also struck by how the most beautiful people in Bali just converge into a mess of bronzed limbs at yours, how my beer mug never seemed to dry, and how you can view the enchanting Balinese sunset from every vantage point in your establishment? Oh, and when you have a second, can you find out if the guys who sat next to us were actors, personal trainers, or just plain beautiful?

Please also give your gift-shop curator a high-five for me.

And a big apology to the once-spectacular KDT you’ve unabashedly replaced.

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Potato Head Bali is an architectural marvel and a super chic, it beach club on Seminyak Beach which combines a lawn-covered courtyard littered with daybeds, beachfront infinity pool, trio of restaurants, and a funky main bar with vintage furnishings. The space lends itself well to musical entertainment, with regular DJ appearances and occasional big-name headliners, and keeps the crowds lubricated with heavenly handcrafted Asian-themed cocktails – like “Kookaburra” – a concoction of lemongrass gin, mixed with mint and lime, topped by passion fruit and vanilla foam.

A Bali Must-Do.