Guy walks into a bar.

Bar says, Ouch!

Guy says, Bars don’t talk.

Bar says, Look who’s talking.

Guy says, What?

Bar says, Pardon?

Guy says, You’re a bar. Bars don’t talk.

Bar says, Wait. Are you talking to me?

Guy says, Yes.

Bar says, You sure?

Guy says, Okay, I’m getting the hell outta here. I’ve had way too much to—

Bar says, You and me both.

Guy says, Okay, this is just… ! I don’t… what’s going on here!?

Bar says, What’s your name, guy?

Guy says, Guy.

Bar says, Bullshit.

Guy says, No, really. Why? What’s your name?

Bar says, Bar.

Guy says, What? There’s no way that’s your real—wait, hang on. This is insane. Listen to me—bars don’t talk.

Bar says, Oh. Okay. I see. So none of this is happening right now.

Bartender says, Alright, I’m about through with this. Get outta here, the both of you!!

Bar says, That’s physically impossible for me. I can’t actually leave your bar. And, anyway, if I did, your bar would cease to be a—

Bartender says, You really wanna be a smartass with me?

Bar says, No, I just—

Bartender says, I gotta a bat with Mickey Mantle’s signature on it says you can grow legs and get the hell outta here in two seconds flat.

Bar says, Please, can we just talk about this for a minute? I have nowhere to—

(Bartender raises baseball bat and prepares to strike bar and guy. Guy runs out of the bar, bar runs out of the bar.)

Bar says to the guy, Wow. Wow! That was crazy!

Guy says, No shit!

Bar says, I mean, he could’ve killed us just now!

Guy says, Okay, okay, okay, let’s not lose our cool here. Let’s just calm down.

Bar says, I’m calm!!! Are you calm!?!? I’m perfectly calm!!!

Guy says, I gotta be honest, I’m kinda freaking out right now.

Bar says, You’re freaking out!? Guy, I just got fired. Did you not see what happened just now?

Guy says, Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Bar says, Great. Wonderful. You’re sorry. So now what?

Guy says, I don’t know.

Bar says, What do you mean, you don’t know? Come on. What’s my next move here?

Guy says, I really don’t know what to tell you.

Bar says, Guy, look at me. I’m a bar. I just got laid off! I’m out on the street! I have no idea what I’m gonna do!! I have no friends!! I have no family!!! I need your help. Don’t you understand!?!? I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!

Guy says, Okay, okay, okay. Just relax. Just… relax.

Bar says, I can’t relax!! You just got me thrown out on my ass!! I need to know how you’re gonna make this right!

Guy says, Wait—I got you thrown out? That wasn’t my fault!!

Bar says, Oh, really? You really believe that, Guy? Deep in your heart, you really believe it wasn’t your fault?

Guy says, I actually don’t know what to believe anymore.

Bar says, You know what, Guy? Me neither. Me neither.

(Guy stands there, bar stands there.)

Guy says, I mean, you’re a talking bar.

Bar says, There’s a newsflash.

Guy says, And I’m here… standing outside… talking to you.

Bar says, Bingo. So, now what are we gonna do? We can’t just stand here.

(Guy stands there, bar stands there.)

Guy finally says, At this point I’m just waiting for the punch line.

(A rabbi, a priest, and a minister approach.)

We first had a good laugh here.

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